Say · Something · Funny

- My legs are too short.

- I think they have the right length, because they reach the ground just fine.

- Hey! Don't freak out!

- Ok. I'll try to freak back in.

- If A is B's child and B is C's child, then A is C's grandchild, right?

- Right.

- So if A is B's little sister and B is C's little sister, then A is C's grand little sister, right?

- Hmm... I can almost believe this: if A is B's pet and B is C's pet, then A is C's grand pet. But “grand little sister,” I don't know about that.

- Do you agree that I am utterly superior?

- Mm... I'd say you're somewhat superior.

- No. You have uttered the fact that I am superior. So I am utterly superior!

- You know, some people have nothing between their ears.

- They have a head, at least.

- No, no, seriously. If you pick a random person on the street and look into their ears, you'll likely see daylight coming from the other side.

- But it's night time now. It's dark!

- I have a friend who doesn't like winter at all. She always complains about how difficult it is to walk in snow—You go one step forward and two steps backward....

- So you told her to turn around, right?

- I don't know what's going on in people's heads any more!

- But you know what's going on in my head.

- What?

- Brain!

- Remember the French novel written by Dumas junior? I don't know what it's called in English.

- No, I don't know it.

- It's a well-known story. There's even an opera adapted from it, called “La Triviata”. Does that ring a bell?

- That's the name of a famous opera I don't know.

- (Sigh.) It's so frustrating that people don't know what I know!

- I'm sorry.... But you are the one who knows all the European cultural things, because you're Chinese, and I'm only English!

- If I have a kid, I will name them ‘Quill’, so they can grow up to be a writer.

- Or you can call them ‘Label’...

- ‘Label’? For being a supermarket cashier?

- Yeah. Or even better—‘Barcode’! That has a nice sound to it!

- Anyone who thinks you're dumb must be very stupid.

- But I think I'm dumb, so I must be very stupid.

- That's right.

- So you must be very stupid too, because you agree with me.

- Yeah, that's dumb!

- You're the Emperor of the brain, is that good?

- I guess it's better than the Pope of the kidney...

- You're being pathological again!

- ...the Prime Minister of the nostril...

- That's Vaseline!

- Look who's being pathological!

- What do you want to do about breakfast?

- Eat.

- What do you want to eat?

- Food.

- What kind of food?

- The yum kind.

- Where do you want to eat?

- In my stomach.

- Don't tickle me.

- But it makes you laugh.

- But I'm unhappy.

- How can you laugh and be unhappy?

- By being tickled, I guess.

- It's cold!

- We're almost there.

- I don't mean it's cold in the sense that I can't make it. I mean it's cold in the sense that if it were less cold, it would be warmer.

- We're from People's Church down the street. Can we talk to you for a few minutes?

- Sorry, I don't believe in any religion.

- No, it's not about religion. We'd like to introduce you to Jesus Christ.

- Ah, I see. It's not about religion. You want to introduce me to a dead guy. No, thank you. I think I'm more interested in living people.

- Your head is full of poo!

- How dare you say that! You crossed the line! You must tell ten people what you did before I talk to you again!

- (A few days later....) I've talked to a thousand people. They all agree. They said, “It's true. His head is full of poo.”

- If the whole system works exactly according to the plan, you will be giving a music class tomorrow evening from Seattle to Montreal, and you won't notice anything different from usual, except a few hours' jet-lag.

- It's strange how modern technology works: everything is the same, except worse.

- The type of humor I like requires brains, not like those random-animal jokes.

- But random-animal jokes require brains too. For example, if I say, “I found a whale in my toaster.” A stupid person would say, “Here's a fork. See if you can get it out.” And that would be dumb! Because it's dangerous to stick a fork into a toaster.

- Mixing with orange juice makes milk chunky.

- I know. I've done that. But I like it. I don't mind chunky milk.

- That's strange to hear, considering this is someone who doesn't like cheese. I think cheese is all about chunky milk.

- No. The problem with cheese is that it tastes like milk when very old.

- I would say if your old milk tastes like cheese you must be really really lucky!

- Some people go through difficulties and come out ok, but some people are destroyed by events that are not even as difficult. People are very different from each other.

- It's true that people are very different from each other, because each other is abstract but people are quite concrete.

- Sad music makes me happy, but sad movies make me sad.

- How about a sad chocolate bar? Can it cheer you up?

- There is no sad chocolate bar.

- How come? Movies come in sad and happy. Music comes in sad and happy. But chocolate bars don't come in sad and happy. I don't understand that.

- It's easier to be neutral when you're not involved.

- That's right! It's easier to be neutral when you're actually neutral.

- Hey, you know what? They've just made me God!

- God? The God or a God?

- The God, who takes charge of all kinds of things, such as paint.

- Paint? You mean paint with many different colors?

- No. Only white, like on the wall.

- Oh. So you paint all the walls.

- No. Only one wall, in my room.

- Oh. So you paint the whole wall.

- No, not really. Only the bit where the plaster came off.

- I don't like people looking at me when I put on clothes.

- I would be glad to look at you when you take them off.

- The mousse tastes really good. I wonder how to make a mousse.

- That's easy. You take a father moose, you take a mother moose, and you get a baby moose.

- No. I mean how to make a chocolate mousse.

- Oh. So you take a father chocolate moose, you take a mother chocolate moose, and you get a baby chocolate moose.